Are you "date-ready"?
We get some tips from Dario - a life coach who specialises in helping queer men navigate their search for intimacy.
For our podcast, How To Date Men, we caught up with Dario - a life coach who specialises in helping queer men to create deep, fulfilling, loving relationships that are safe, stable, and last.
In the conversation, we talk the importance of knowing yourself, the need to be date-ready, and the challenges of searching for intimacy.
What does a dating and relationship life coach do?
I help people navigate the exciting, sometimes messy world of dating and relationships so that they can actually build healthy and happy relationships.
One thing that I wanted to say is that normally when people think about coaching, they think about a sports coach. So I'm going to tell you, do this and do that. But actually, this is not what I do. So my coaching is much more aligned to therapy. I don't tell you what to do, but I ask you questions so that you get to the answers that are right for you. Think of me like not a dating GPS that tells you where to turn, but more like a compass. I help you get to your right direction.
You specialise with helping men who are seeking to connect with other men - queer men, gay men. Is that a skill set specific to men who are seeking men, or could you help anyone who was looking to make some sort of connection?
I guess the principles of love and finding love are universal, so I could coach anyone in that respect. But I think when it comes to the gay world, there are different dynamics at play compared to the straight one. And I think that's where my added value comes in.
I navigated those dynamics - I know them firsthand. And also, you know what? In my activity, I realised that straight men or straight people, they come with a lot of support and guidance when it comes to dating because they start a lot earlier, the whole society is basically designed for them. And gay men, we don't have the kind of support and guidance, so that's why I decided also to specialise in helping gay men.
Who are the men that come to you looking for help?
When it comes to demographics, they are a wide spectrum. I work from guys in their 20s to men in their 60s.
When it comes to why they come to me - normally they have some sort of frustration about not being able to create the relationship that they want, not being able to navigate the dating world in a positive way. We know that the dating world can be brutal - they are feeling a little lost and they need some guidance.
When they talking about their frustrations, what are some of the barriers that they're encountering?
I guess there is one very common misconception and that is the fact that they think that when they find the one that will magically fix their life, that will give their life meaning, or radically change their lives. That's a very common misconception that I found that I myself had when I was in my twenties. That's something we need to dispel.
But in terms of barriers, I think it's mostly about not knowing who they are or not knowing what they want. So these are two very, very important aspects of having a successful dating experience and being able to establish successful relationships. Because if you don't know what your baggage is, what your triggers are, what your flaws are, then you can end up being sidetracked.
If you don't know what you want, then you can end up just suffering from fear of missing out and just chasing after the wrong person, which will not be able to actually give you what you want. If you don't know what you want in the first place, then you're just kind of like going around this dating world, kind of wasting time and effort and energy and also mental health.
Is there an aspirational gay relationship? What is the dream outcome that these men are looking for in terms of coming to you to try and help them to get there?
I'm not sure if there is one aspirational gay relationship. I'm not sure that there is one single model. I think the new generation have kind of broken down the rules of what a relationship should look like. Everyone has the right to look for the relationship that, you know, they see themselves in, a relationship that fits them.
It's down to the couple or the throuple potentially to make their own rules. But I think the foundations of that, they're probably the same. We're talking about honesty, trust, open communication, the sense that you are on the same team.
For some clients, I think the outcome is to build something long term after potentially years of hookups, for some others it's just being able to navigate the dating world, just being able to put themselves out there in a positive way rather than, you know, in a very fearful, suspicious, very negative kind of way. Because dating can actually be fun if you, you know, if you cover your bases first.
We hear a lot about an epidemic of male loneliness and queer men aren't immune from that - it's a bit of a symptom, an indicator of the way that we live our lives that we become isolated from each other. But I often think that maybe people aren't necessarily looking for relationships or dating, they're looking for intimacy. What they're missing is touch but also emotional connection, someone who sees them for who they are. And so it's almost reframing, what is dating for? What are hookups for? What are we doing? And what are we looking for?
Exactly. And are we looking for the right thing for us, but in the wrong places, potentially.
Because if you're looking for intimacy on a hookup app, you're setting yourself up for failure.
Well, I wouldn't necessarily say that. I've had in my experience plenty of relationships that stem from a one night stand that started on a dating app or a hookup app. So I'm not actually ruling that out. I think it's about how you present yourself. So if you are looking for a relationship, then probably you shouldn't really waste your time on hookups. Unless hookups, give you something, they give you some sort of momentary satisfaction that is great for you.
Hookups by their nature - and the culture that sort of surrounds online dating and apps - it all gets a bit transactional. You line up the logistics, you get the job done, you move on. So that's fine, if you just need to scratch that itch. But if that's not what you're looking for, then you need to approach that differently.
Exactly. For me, for example, I didn't really like the concept of going to someone's house to do the deed and then leave. So instead of going straight to there, I would say, OK, why don't we go to a pub and have a beer? Then, you know, we can do it.
Because I was looking ultimately for a long term relationship, I could actually see in those 15 minutes or 30 minutes at the pub, if there was something also in the other guy that potentially could lead to something more than just a hookup.
It's about finding what works for you, really.
How does your work as a relationship and dating coach shape your own experience of relationships and intimacy? Are you the perfect boyfriend?
Far from it. It only makes me more aware of my own blind spot and shortcomings.
In my 20s, I had a world of trouble with dating and finding what really worked for me. I went into therapy for seven years and that was the best investment that I could ever have done for not only my dating life, but my life in general. What that gave me was the tools that I need. So now I have the tools for naming my feelings, understanding what's going on here in my mind or in my body. I can repair after conflict. And I know that having a successful relationship takes daily work.
I work on my relationship every day. I work on my life every day.
Often the thing that undermines a relationship or a connection is change and our ability to navigate that change. People seem to somehow fall into the trap of -, we're moving apart or we want different things. But if you're not able to change together and understand where each other is going, that's not going to work.
Exactly. Change is inevitable, but how do you change together? By trusting your partner, by having open communication, by having the hard conversations.
Ultimately, I think it boils down to being aware of everything that is going on within yourself and within your relationship.
Dating can be a minefield but it can also be fun if you do your work before. If you know who you are, if you know what you want, if you are centred and grounded, you can sit across a table from someone and just really focus on them and establish the connection.
Have you ever encountered anyone who is completely undateable? You just want to advise them to stay home and get a dog?
I don't think there is anyone that is undateable, but I think that many of us are not date ready.
I think being happy being single is what each of us should strive and do. Because relationships don't really work when they are just there to fill a void. Relationships, work when they're just the cherry on top of a beautifully baked cake. And the cake is actually you. So when you are already enjoying your life, that's the best way to welcome a relationship into your life.
If someone was wanting to change their relationships status to try and meet someone and build a relationship with them, what advice or guidance would you give them?
The first one would be to know yourself. Know the baggage that you have and know your triggers, know your values, your strength, your flaws, and just get comfortable with it. All of it.
The second one is to know what you want so that you won't get sidetracked or you won't chase after people that cannot give that thing to you.
The third one would be to put yourself out there. Love is not going to be delivered to your sofa by Amazon Prime. You've got to put yourself out there. And that can be scary. And that's fine - that's part of the process.
Dating can be fun as long as you realise that you everything you need to be happy is just within you and you're not looking for that on the outside.
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